Post 4x18 One-Shot
by halsteadswisconsin
Summary: What I want to happen in 4x19 but what I know will never happen.


**What I desperately want to happen but know there is no way of happening lol. I know, I know. It is not my best stuff at all, but I haven't written in a while. Hope you enjoy nonetheless. I don't own anything.**

He had been gone for a little over a week but his presence still lingered in the apartment. The picture of them from their weekend getaway was still on the fridge and stared her in the face every time she stepped foot in the kitchen. Some of his clothes were still in the closet. She still slept in his favorite jersey every night, the one he knew he was never going to get back but he didn't really care.

Erin knew he wanted space- needed space, but she couldn't help but feel like they would be better together rather than separate, like two pieces of a whole. She sat in her kitchen eating a frozen dinner for the fourth time that week. She just didn't have the will to cook lately, in fact, she hadn't had the will to do anything besides go to work then come straight home and go to sleep.

She ended up in bed by 11pm emotionally and physically drained. It was a tough case and on top of that she missed Jay. But even more than that, she couldn't shake the feeling that she could help Jay more than he even knew. He had told her he needed time and space over again so she was prepared to do whatever it took to bring him back to her. Anything that would again allow him to be her last sight before she fell asleep every night.

It was 11:14pm when she heard a knock on her door. Who could that be this late? Voight? No, he would have called first. Kim? Doubtful. Her thoughts kept her from even checking to see who it was through the peep hole.

She swung the door open and there he stood. She was too shocked to say anything. He had been so distant, he was one of the last people she expected.

"I was wrong" was the first thing he said. He whispered and his voice was rough and his eyes were red, obviously he had been crying.

Erin was confused.

"What?"

"I was wrong. I said I needed time and space and I pushed you away and then I said I needed more time and I left and-" He was rambling at this point and she cut him off.

Erin grabbed onto his shoulders and pulled him inside the door.

"Jay, slow down. Just breathe" Erin said to him. Where was all of this coming from? Just earlier that night he had been pulling away from her.

"Let's sit down" She released her hands from his shoulders and grabbed one of his hands, pulling him to the couch.

They sat close to each other, both waiting for the other to speak.

She could tell Jay was holding back tears from the way he was clenching his jaw. He hated being vulnerable. Especially in front of Erin. He always wanted to be the strong one. The one that she could count on.

Jay started speaking, whispering, was more like it. He faced his head down in an effort to keep Erin from seeing him crying. He slowly traced circles on her knee while he spoke.

"I said that I needed time. I ran away as soon as things got hard for me and I'm sorry for that, I really am. I just- Im" he looked up to the ceiling as a tear started to fall. Erin noticed and used her thumb to wipe it away.

It was then that she _really_ looked him in the eyes for the first time that night. He seemed to be the epitome of a broken man. Jay usually had these crystal blue eyes that could light up a room but right now they were gone. Right now they were grey, like all hope was gone. They were the eyes he got when they had a particular tough case or the rare times he talked about his mom's death.

He paused for a second to just look in her eyes.

"I don't need time, I just need you"

Erin smiled and cupped his cheek with one of her hands.

"And I'm here for you, always"

Jay gave a side smile back. The first sign of true happiness he has given ever since he moved out. She noticed a little bit of the blue in his eyes was slowly coming back.

"It's just that- well I was this totally different person back then. A person I'm glad you will never come to know and I was just scared he was going to come out with the marriage and Abby and everything and I'm sorry I left you, Erin. I promise will never leave you again."

"Come here" Erin smiled back and motioned for him to lay his head in her lap. They were both ridiculously tired but she didn't want this moment to end.

They stayed in silence for a couple moments as Erin stroked his hair through her fingers.

Suddenly Jay got a random urge to start spilling his past to Erin. As he laid there in her arms, he realized she truly wasn't going to be scared about what was in his past. She could handle it.

"I was depressed all the time. I slept until noon and drank all day, sleeping on different friend's couches each night. I just saw so many of my friends die, Er, and that worst part was not being able to do anything about it. I can hear the screams in my dreams and I can't move or its too late and I can't get to them. When I got back from over seas I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. Erin felt a tear roll down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away.

"Thank you" She whispered.

"A little at a time, right?" He turned to face her and smile.

"Thats right, baby. A little at a time"

She laid there until she heard his breathing even out and knew he was asleep. Eventually, she had succumb to sleep too and her hand stilled after making it's way through his short, wavy hair.

 **Thank you for reading!**


End file.
